“Very often, the things that people say turn out, when you dig a bit deeper, not to be what they are unhappy about at all.” It might not be something big or dramatic, says Katherine Woodward Thomas, the relationship therapist who coined the term “conscious uncoupling”, but smaller issues that “chip away at trust and the feeling that we’re in this together. “Saying: ‘I don’t fancy my partner any more’ can be about specific sexual problems, or it can be an indicator of something that’s not working in the relationship,” says Major. If you’ve drifted apart, you need to build bridges.” Dig a little deeper “It has to be prioritised, whether it’s putting a time in the diary, making sure you really are talking. “Some of it is a bit boring – the life admin – but we have to nurture the relationship like we do everything else,” says Moyle. In a long-term relationship, what you may have lost in terms of excitement and novelty, you hopefully will have gained in security and comfort. “Once people start to understand where those places were and what they looked like, they’re best placed to make different choices,” says Major. You might, says Major, “suddenly wake up one morning and you think: ‘We haven’t really done that for a year, I wonder why that is.’ Have you lost the ability to be curious about what’s happening in your relationship or has life overtaken you and obliterated any time to stop and stare?” When you start to look back over your relationship, you may spot places where you could have checked in with your partner and didn’t. Which is not to say that people can’t find their partner exciting and interesting and fun, and have good sex.” “Some therapists will say the being in love stage is really only the bringing together of the couple and that will fade, but hopefully what takes over is a much deeper, richer, sense of each other. “You can’t go back to that because now you do know more about your partner, and more about what it’s like to be in a long-term relationship with them.” It depends on what your definition of being “in love” means, she says. You had yet to find the things that annoy you about your partner “because you didn’t know each other that well”, says Major. Perhaps you didn’t have children, or your job was less stressful, or you had more disposable income. Of course you would love to get back to the giddy days when you first met and couldn’t keep your hands off each other. “I hear a lot of: ‘I just thought things would sort themselves out’ and we know that isn’t true.” So, is it possible to reconnect with your partner, and if so, how can you do it? Be realistic “It won’t change unless it is actively being changed by those involved,” says Moyle.
But early on, it can be hard to identify the difference between love and lust, or love and infatuation.But if you feel your relationship is drifting, don’t bank on it being only temporary. And while conversations and dates after 10 years may not have the same frenetic energy, sitting down to reminisce on the people you’ve been - together - is rare and something to cherish. Growing up alongside someone is a beautiful experience. From the much-anticipated first dates to the years-long log of text messages, the way your love feels can change as you spend more time with a person. And being in love is so much different than having love for someone. I’ve been in love with the same person for over a decade (and counting!) and it’s as much a learning experience as it is a gift. The next, you may feel confused by the smallest thing, say, a less-than-enthusiastic hello or a delayed text response.
One day, you’ll be walking around with butterflies flapping in your stomach. Love is a funny thing - that may be one of the most cliche and true statements known to humankind.
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